Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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