I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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