Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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