Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
