Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
