I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
