Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
