I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
