It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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