I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
