hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
