She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize