WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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