Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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