I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
