I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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