Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
