I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Four minutes until I can fart!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
