There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
