I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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