Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize