Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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