Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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