I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
not ubering you a puppy
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
