I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
