The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
