I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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