did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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