Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
