Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm like, not good at living.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
