i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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