i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I party with great urgency now.
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