He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
