Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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