This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
