3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
