I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
