My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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