halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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