i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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