I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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