the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
