420 ftw
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
