I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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