so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
