All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
