He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
