I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
