Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize