i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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