Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
BRING THE BAGELS
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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