my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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