There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
