The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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