Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize