So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
