i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
