I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
