new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Vodka?
Forever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
