with your own penis?
The maid of honor just puked.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
